Why am I struggling so bad? And what I mean is how come Iam in this awkward battle with myself and this purpose of mine? I know that it has to exist but it feels so far from me. The battle that I speak is the way things are hard sometimes when you feel like you are giving all you have but it may not just seem like its enough that it feels like it will never get easier or that your destiny will never come. The question is that I have with myself may be the question a lot of people have for themselves as well...what is my purpose in life? I know that my destiny exist because I wouldnt be here. But its like, sometimes Im afraid to move because I feel that I might get involved with something particular and end up sticking to it and wasting a large portion of my life towards something I hate but arent I doing the same thing by not trying something? Isnt time still passing me by? The only thing is...Im not getting anything done nor being involved with anything.
Also, I think that I maybe my self's worse enemy. Aren't we all but why is that such a huge problem? I feel that all this time I have been having this "I cant" attitude but need to replace that with an "I can" attitude because I believe this has been the reason why I have not accomplished anything from my goal list. I have neither fulfilled any of my new years resolution and here comes almost another year. Will I keep repeating the same habits or will anything be different this time? Im so sick and tired of the clock ticking and me just moving with the hands but never actually appreciating time and doing something to make a difference as it go by.
About one week ago I was so depressed that I didnt care what happend to me nor my life. Bad situation to be in. I islolated myself from family and just stayed to myself. I felt absolutely awlful. I had to realize what was bothering me but as soon as I did, I didnt want to listen nor believe it because I was ashamed. But I think as I moved out of it, that was what I needed. I needed to feel ashamed of my self because I had allowed things in my life to reshape me and to take me away from my goals. I got my self out through repentence and recognizing that I do have strenghts that can remove me from weakness. Thats exactly what I was relying on. I was depending on my weakness to guide me and knowing that this is the enemy who wants to destroy a person so that one can never accomplish things that are Christ like. Not that I didnt want to follow Christ, its just that I got so comfortable in my skin that I had not noticed that this is whats causing me to follow destruction. I went to church this past Sunday and Ron spoke how important it was to draw from your strengths because satan actually pounce on us when we are weak because he knows that we have not tampered into the Bible enough to edify self to fight him off. So we are taken over by an authortative spirit that we cowardly conform to dictatorship because we allowed him to become so strong that our chances to ignore or tackle against him Christ like are slim . I know that the decisions I was making werent of God so I had to change them. I got out of the depression that would kill me had I not. Im starting to understand through the Word that my life can be worth something that it already is and that I can fulfill my purpose because it is in God's hand...I just need to be prepared for what he has for me. Since then, not to say that I sometimes I dont feel lonely because I do and that I dont feel afraid sometimes but through the Word so far, I have been shown and proven that God is here and the Bible says the right things when I need them to lift me up and enourages me to understand that Im much stronger than I realize. I do believe that God put us here to not just question him why he lets bad things happen but to show us how strong he made us to get through them and to prepare our way to him. Here's to a new journey...come with me.
